Saturday, 3 November 2007

Things I have learnt from the Rt. Rev. Harlot, Esq., my father, Or, Gosh I Miss My 'Rents

1. If caught in public with pants unzippered, say "It always pays to advertise."

2. In case of flatulence, blame the dog. In absence of dog, say "Better out than in."

3. Upon meeting small white dog that looks like Dame Barbara Cartland's slipper, say to the dog's human companion, "That's a ferocious looking beastie". This will generally elicit a condescending smile. If it doesn't, run.

4. Don't trust a man who drives while wearing his hat.

5. In case of request, "Would Sir like cream or ice-cream with his dessert?", reply, politely, "Yes", and then, "Both", and then allude to the deprivations of World War II.

6. Beagles are humans too.

7. Something about negative gearing, capital gains tax, and stamp duty, but I wasn't listening.

8. John Howard is immoral, on all counts. Views on Pig Iron Bob more complex.

9. Always wear a suit and tie to protests.

10. Mrs H. is a paragon of all things excellent.


TimT said...

2: Yes, but, if one is fatuous and then goes on a diet, does one become tenuous or flatulent?

3: Are similar results elicited if one says that to the dog instead of the owner?

Penelope said...

2. Alternative response in cases of canine-less bottom-burps "Better an empty house than a noisy tenant".

Tony said...

2. In case of flatulence, blame someone else "OK then, who farted?"

wool spaniel said...

11. When crossing a road, stride out bravely into the traffic with a facial expression suggesting mild insanity and one arm lifted high in aerial salute.

12. Good morning, good morning, the sun it is dawning.

13. The quietest moments of operas are always the best time to catch up on stage-whispered observations.

14. Keep a loving grin and a twinkling eye at the ready.

15. It's never a bad day to enjoy a good view.

Miss Eagle said...

Amen, Sistor Harlot. except for Pig Iron Bob - my views are simple rather than complex.

Blessings and bliss from The Trad Pad

alexis said...

Tim: 2, yes; 3, no.

Penelope: wise words indeed, but let us never use the expression "bottom-burps" again. (We in Harlotville refer coyly to "smells".)

Tony: thou art clearly a person of the world.

Wool Spaniel: "this beats staying at home watching tv".

Miss Eagle: hear hear! My views on old Pig Iron are pretty straightforward too, but I don't think they even had zippers back in his day.

Maria said...

My father taught me this "Confucius always say [whatever my Dad believed]" and therefore it must be right.

e.g. "Confucius always say, don't do the crossword before your father!"

"Confucius always say, don't be loud when your parents watching TV!"

"Confucius always say, turn off heater, save electricity!"

Wise man, Confucius.