Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Chastity Pants & Two-tone Brogues

I realised some time ago that were I never to acquire a single item of clobber ever again, there'd be enough liberty print boiler suits (&c.) in my wardrobe to last me for my entire foreseeable life. And so, said I to me, do not buy thyself any more habiliments, especially of the jackety, shirty, skirty, pantsy sort, for thy wardrobe bursteth at the hinges and thou couldst spend thy dollars on goodly works, or tofu, or somesuch.

But then one thing led to another, and within the last month alone, I've gone and got me a pair o' new shoes and a set of pantaloons, pantaloons which I refer to as my chastity-pants, on account of the eight buttons I have to undo whenever I heed the call of my pontine micturition centre. The chastity-pants are knickerbockers. Tomorrow I am going to measure the time spent unbuttoning and buttoning them up. This will be very fun. The truth is, they've already paid for themselves in pelvic floor muscle exercise.

As for mine shoon, never was a knickerbockster so pleased to wear a two-tone buckle-up brogue, or two.

These kids come from Vegan Wares, bespoke cobblers to the Melburnian lentilophile.

And now this is all well and good, and frankly, if you've read this far, you should go off and do something improving immediately, but - here's my pledge - no more. There will be no more chastity pants or shoes or shirts or hats or detachable epaulettes until, unless, the old stuff falls to tatters. I have enough doo-dahs, as my mum would say, to sink a battleship (Terrorism Hotline running hot).

14 comments:

Martin Kingsley said...

I do love me a good pair of brogues. I would steal the pair that belong to my father. Alas, they are too small for me, so Redback workboots it is.

In other news, I am deeply suspicious as to the integrity of this anti-acquirement policy re clothing. It's all going to end in tears.

Martin Kingsley said...

Acquirement? Bleh, it may be a word but it looks like it shouldn't be. Acquisition.

nailpolishblues said...

Oh what cute shoes!

nailpolishblues said...

Crap. Did I really just say that?

trixie said...

fetching footwear, me hearty. those toes were made for tapping.

i'm waiting for a train.

tell us about the socks!

tell us more about buttons!

another pair of shoes!

vague said...

Excellent shoon! I love things that are two tone, and things that are green.

alexis said...

"It's all going to end in tears", Kingsley? Is that a pun I spy? Tears and general frayings of my clobber, perhaps? I will do my best, anyway. Acquirement in moderation, at the very least. Should I happen upon a pair of turquoise velveteen trousers in Harlot-sized bottom-accommodating proportions, though, I will go weak at the purse, no buts about it.

Thanks, Nails. Frivolous affirmation all to the good.

Happy train catching, Trix. The buttons are four-hole, black, round. The knickerbockers have the most complex fastening arrangement you ever did see. A sort of pouch that folds up against my belly, with buttons all over the place. Socks, yes, am all for socks. Shoes, usually more trouble than they're worth, but these ones fill me with jubilance.

You and me both, Vague. Green, green, green. The day Penguin started publishing their modernist classics with silver spines was a sad day indeed.

lucy tartan said...

your shoes are making me drool.

alexis said...

They make me drool too, and then the fanciness of my shoes is completely counteracted by long slicks of slobber on my collar. Darnit.

Martin Kingsley said...

Moi? Perfidious pun-meistering wordplay? Non!

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