I'm going away this weekend, to visit my progenitors, my brother, and the trusty hound. My work friend - let's call her the Wholesome Yogic Vegetarian Work Friend, to distinguish her from all the other louches - told us yesterday that her smaller sibling used to leave notes in drawers threatening burglars with decapitation. I'm drafting something similar:
Thank you for your patronage. The baked beans are in the top right hand cupboard, and I keep a stock of Naprogesic and sanitary pads in the bathroom drawer should you find yourself in need. Remember to flush the toilet after use. As I'm yet to arrange contents insurance, I'd appreciate your confining your theft to items of negligible value, such as the telephone directory.
Baron von Harlot
P.S. I have had four karate lessons.
P.P.S. And I have a tattoo on my right bicep.