Friday, 1 August 2008

St Lexicon's Epistle to the Band of Robbers

I'm going away this weekend, to visit my progenitors, my brother, and the trusty hound. My work friend - let's call her the Wholesome Yogic Vegetarian Work Friend, to distinguish her from all the other louches - told us yesterday that her smaller sibling used to leave notes in drawers threatening burglars with decapitation. I'm drafting something similar:

Dear Burglar,

Thank you for your patronage. The baked beans are in the top right hand cupboard, and I keep a stock of Naprogesic and sanitary pads in the bathroom drawer should you find yourself in need. Remember to flush the toilet after use. As I'm yet to arrange contents insurance, I'd appreciate your confining your theft to items of negligible value, such as the telephone directory.

Yours faithfully,

Baron von Harlot

P.S. I have had four karate lessons.

P.P.S. And I have a tattoo on my right bicep.

That is my arm, that is.

9 comments:

TimT said...

Dear Baron,

Thank you for your feedback. Your letter IS important to us at the Burglars Collective, and we will be sure to use it to enhance the Burglarious experience for all involved. It has been placed in a queue, and will be answered by the next available burglar.

Sincerely yours,
'Light fingered' Joe

Lefty E said...

Hehe.

I figured you for one of those library toughs.

nailpolishblues said...

That may be the tattoo of my dreams.

JahTeh said...

Burglars are encouraged here as it's the only way I'll ever realize money on my worldly goods but they have to take the cockroaches as well.

eyrie said...

USL?

lucy tartan said...

Shouldn't that be spelt 'liberry'?

Mark said...

I'm with Shelley, I want that tattoo. I also wanna a start a gang of library toughs. We'll stake out some turf around 193 & 194, then make money dealing in stolen photocopy credits.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

I have to confess (though I'd rather not) that it was a stick-on tattoo, and though I've done my best not to wash all week, it's almost entirely washed off.

Ampersand Duck said...

Time to get the real thing, then. And take on board Laura's suggestion...