It went like this:
Phone: Bring bring, bring bring.
Me: Hello! It's Alexis!
Caller: Hello Mrs Harlot please don't panic this is not a marketing call and I am not trying to sell you anything my name is Blah Blah from Blah Blah Blah Marketing and I'm going to speak to you for thirty seconds are you and your partner employed full-time or part-time.
Me: Yes! Hello!
Caller: Great will you and your partner be employed for the next five years.
Me: That sounds lovely!
Caller: Do you and your partner own your own home outright or [pause while caller shifts into character] like me [pause for warm flow of fellow-feeling] are you paying off a mortgage?
Phone: Purr purr, purr purr.