Friday, 31 August 2007

Nose

Early onset Spring has set up shop in my nostrils, so this is what I want to know: is it possible for a very talented person to earn a living entirely through sneezing? I mean, I take your point (preemptively): anyone can sneeze, but my sneezes are something else. I think of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, I think of Niagara Falls, I think of whatever it was (Napoleon's cannonballs perhaps) that blew the nose off the Sphinx, and then I think of my sneezes.

While other children were toilet trained, I was coached in sneezing excellence. "Great big grandfather blow", my mother would say. "Great big elephant blow." My prowess in the pneumatic expulsion of particulate matter from the nasal cavity is - I don't mean to boast - pretty darn prowessy. Surely there's an Arts Council grant with my name on it.

7 comments:

Martin Kingsley said...

Well, I mean, that depends. Do these musically-inclined convulsions run towards leans towards treble, or bass? I imagine there's some money in being able to sneeze the bassline to Nick Cave's "Far From Me", for instance. Alternatively, you may want to nasally reinterpret Irish folk songs.

Granted, mucus, expectoration and Irish folk is not a particularly new combination. Look at Shane McGowan! A man held together by his own vomit.

torshy said...

I also am sneezing, but my sneezes are small fry to the ever itchier rash that's breaking out all over my torso. Is it possible the government is putting some sort of toxic brain control gas in the air for APEC and my body is trying to give me an eary warning sign? In any case, at least the itichiness is a distraction from the equine flu, which by the amount of media coverage given to it seems to be some sort of killer plague.

torshy said...

I mean of course, an earLY warning sign. Athough an eary one might come in handy too.

alexis said...

A rash, you say? That sounds very suspicious, Hannana, like a food or drug allergy - or maybe chicken pox. Been eating anything unusual? I've had rashes de la torso from penicillin and echinacea. You take care, eh?

alexis said...

I'm thinking I could sneeze out the melody to "Smoke on the Water", Martin.

No need to mention Shane McGowan's vomit again.

Maria said...

I challenge you to a sneeezing comp, Lexicon. I'm also right up there, Olympian of nose blowing and wheezing too. Either we have a knockout trumpet-sounding championship round, or we join forces. What say you?

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