See this? This picture of placidity, innocence and whiskers? This is Leonard, lying on my belly and contemplating how she can help old ladies across the road, decrease carbon emissions, and eliminate child poverty.
Now see this? This is what remains of a roll of loo paper, tugged from the loo paper house up on the wall, shredded within an inch of its life, abandoned on the floor of the water closet like the unsavoury entrails of a sacrificial warthog.
Harriet the Biped Houseguest denies all responsibility, and I know I have not been ravaging the loo paper with my toenails, which leads me to the improbable conclusion that it was [assume stern stentorian tones] Leonard.