Tuesday, 16 December 2008

I have warts!

Three, common ones, dispersed across the fingers of my right hand. The pharmacist today was unimpressed when I said proudly, "These are my first ever warts! The beginning of a long and happy relationship."

I will be dunking my hand in a vat of hydrochloric acid shortly.

12 comments:

JahTeh said...

The origin of the warts shouldn't be hard to find, just look for the warty student who handed in the warty essay.

If you don't want to go the chemical way, try a good quality pure lemon oil instead.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

You really are a witch! Curing warts and all. Thanks for the lemon oil tip. I've already invested in some fancy wartocide, though the directions advise that the fancy wartocide may take up to 12 weeks to take effect, and warts can self resolve in a matter of months anyway. If it weren't for the fact that I don't want to infect anyone, I'd consider just keeping them, for added character.

Caroline said...

You bin kissing frogs?

Wart remedy. Get a girlfriend, esplain to her she is going to be instrumental in 'magicking' off your warts. Get a bean, cut the bean lengthways, remove the seeds, rub the seeds onto the wart and as you do so, get girlfriend to say magic words. Just use standard magic words. Not going to spell 'em out here, its a secret. Suffice to say they are the stock standard ones. Go out into garden and bury the entire bean. As the bean rots, your warts will fade away, or as in the case of the whopping great plantar I had on the top of my toe, literally fall off.

Guaranteed to work. Really. I have used it on at least half a dozen warts, on self and others with 100% success since this 'spell' was revealed to me by a little old lady wife of advertising exec.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

I can see the personals ad now: "Wart-ridden baron seeks maiden for fun and friendship. Must have own beans."

TimT said...

Wait, I think I know what the standard magic words are.

"My names Kevin. I'm from Queensland, and I'm here to help."

Ampersand Duck said...

Did they sprout overnight, or did you watch them grow from little lumps to big? Just curious.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

I noticed them about a fortnight ago, but they may have been burbling along without my attention for a while. They're still pretty little, no more than 2mm in diameter, and the same colour as my healthy skin.

TimT said...

If they start singing and/or dancing the Charlestown, be afraid - be VERY afraid.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Recommended viewing for anyone considering an unaesthetised caesarian section (minus the dancing alien). Otherwise, do not click on Timothy's link.

Ampersand Duck said...

I love the way you can see the stick stuck up its arse at the end of the clip.

I had a wart on my lower lip as a child. My brutal GP (the father of a boy in my class) burned it off, and left a scar that is bigger than the original wart. I wish we'd known about lemon oil and/or green beans...

Red Wombat said...

Nuts to lemons! Fig leaf sap, applied daily will do the trick in no time.

Alternatively, (and if you have no beans) climb the fig tree in search of the giant and his goose.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

My made-in-Ireland wartocide seems to be doing the trick, eliminating warts along with all the flesh in their vicinity. Actually, I can no longer tell whether I have warts or not, because everything's been obliterated.