Wednesday, 17 September 2008

In Marmoleum, by Owthread Lawed Tennis Mum

A young scholar has informed me that, square foot by square foot, linoleum is now more expensive than tiling. ("And thus the contemporary English syllabus?" well may you splutter.) In trying to verify this through ye google, I happened upon marmoleum, which, sure, sounds like a dubious breakfast condiment (from the nation that brought you Fluffernutter), but is in fact an amazing brilliant all-purpose wonderfloor, made of linseed oil and jute, antistatic, with antibacterial properties, in an inexhaustible range of colours and flavours, praise be its marmoleal name.

Here's what I predict (you read it here first, internetians): by the year 2017, entire streets will be lined with marmoleum, children's toys will be made of marmoleum, people will eat marmoleum, and the bearers of staphyloccocal infections will take it intravenously.


Anonymous said...

"people will eat marmoleum"

Surely they have, for years - this is Marmite, is it not?

I'm off to the Mitre 10 in search of a few square feet of Vegoleum for the kitchen floor. It certainly beats eating the stuff.

Miles McClagan said...

There's some kind of "Mar moleum is bigger than your moleum" joke somehwere in my head, but I'm too tired to construct...

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

When Ma Moleum and Pa Moleum love each other very much, they bring forth lots of little Moleums to people the earth.

I wasn't thinking Marmite; more marmelade brewed with a wholesome dollop of transfattitude.

TimT said...

Is the marmoleum made from fur? Is it mammalian marmoleum?

Or is it made from marble, hence making it marmoleon marmoleum?

TimT said...

O plastic, live with me and be my friend,
And we will all the plastic pleasures prove.
Yea, I the heav'n and all the earth will move,
And wrap it all in plastic, end to end.

When all things be entirely plasticised,
And plastically eternalised,
And in marmoleum memorialised -
Then shall my final dream be realised.

- extract from In Marmoleum, by Lawed Tennismum.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Thet's spuffeng, thet us, Tum.

JahTeh said...

I rather like it, and I suppose it's hideously expensive. I was thinking of replacing my cork tiles with Linoleum the minute I win Tattslotto but this looks great.

lucy tartan said...

oh yes, it is hideously expensive all right. I think it's imported from Finland or something.

Tony said...

I happen to know that, in the fine recycling traditions of soylent green, MARMOLEUM IS MADE OUT OF MARMOSETS!!

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

But only marmosets that died of natural causes and old age. In fact, as I understand it, the marmosets bring their late loved ones to the marmoleumarium for marmoleumisation. Yes? Yes.