Friday, 12 September 2008

Crastination prose

Like a man at a jury selection panel wearing a three-piece suit, a monocle, and an "I heart capital punishment" lapel badge (also side-whiskers and spats), when I received my invitation to orate on "study skills" to the young scholars at my local residential hall, I replied immediately, thusly: "Thank you for your kind invitation to speak on study skills at –– College. I should be very pleased to offer a talk on 'How to Procrastinate', in which I will consider in depth the cases of Hamlet, Charlie Kaufman, and P. J. O'Rourke."

Did they realise, then and there, that I was not the man for the job? No, they did not. No, they said, "Excellent! How are you placed for next Monday?" And I, having exhausted my repertoir of evening-oration-at-residential-hall evasion tactics (or was I trying to put off my essay marking?), replied, "Next Monday, c'est parfait". Or words to that effect. I'm sure I implied my dessert preferences somehow.

So, here's the deal, chaps: I am going to sever my attachment to all forms of telecommunication over the weekend, with the possible exception of yon noble carrier pigeon, and when I return on Monday morning, I'd be much obliged to find a 20 minute talk on procrastination lodged under the comments function. In my gratitude, I will have you all over to Harlot Heights for parfait with strawberries, and we will sit around marking my essays together - there being no jollier jape in town. In addition to parfait with strawberries, you will gain from this exercise in the following key learning areas: typing skills, waffling skills, teamwork skills.

3 comments:

nailpolishblues said...

I have only one suggestion. Take as an example the entire works lodged at Will Type For Food as both an example of procrastination (one man procrastinating at the world?) and as an excellent means of procrastination. I whiled away many a dreary workday - back when I had work internet - reading there..possibly even commenting.

Ampersand Duck said...

Of course I'll write it for you. If it's not here by tomorrow I'll get it done the day after.

Mind you, NPB's suggestion is absolutely top-notch.

leashypoodle said...

" 'Stumble-Upon' - for all your virtual procrastination needs. "