Like a man at a jury selection panel wearing a three-piece suit, a monocle, and an "I heart capital punishment" lapel badge (also side-whiskers and spats), when I received my invitation to orate on "study skills" to the young scholars at my local residential hall, I replied immediately, thusly: "Thank you for your kind invitation to speak on study skills at –– College. I should be very pleased to offer a talk on 'How to Procrastinate', in which I will consider in depth the cases of Hamlet, Charlie Kaufman, and P. J. O'Rourke."
Did they realise, then and there, that I was not the man for the job? No, they did not. No, they said, "Excellent! How are you placed for next Monday?" And I, having exhausted my repertoir of evening-oration-at-residential-hall evasion tactics (or was I trying to put off my essay marking?), replied, "Next Monday, c'est parfait". Or words to that effect. I'm sure I implied my dessert preferences somehow.
So, here's the deal, chaps: I am going to sever my attachment to all forms of telecommunication over the weekend, with the possible exception of yon noble carrier pigeon, and when I return on Monday morning, I'd be much obliged to find a 20 minute talk on procrastination lodged under the comments function. In my gratitude, I will have you all over to Harlot Heights for parfait with strawberries, and we will sit around marking my essays together - there being no jollier jape in town. In addition to parfait with strawberries, you will gain from this exercise in the following key learning areas: typing skills, waffling skills, teamwork skills.