Friday, 28 May 2010

Vote 1 Beatrice

So, word on the cat front: Harriet has embarked on an exciting career as an experimental physicist (take one glass of water, observe, enact deliberate sideways swipe of paw, measure resultant hydrocity, remain scientifically skeptical of so-called law of gravity and repeat experiment when opportunity presents). Beatrice, meanwhile, has been non-consensually entered into a Perhaps - Certainly from the Tuna's Point of View - Pretty Darn Sinister Cat Food Sponsored beauty contest. For which beauty contest, N.B., victory is assured, especially if this blog's intrepid band of readers - yes, all four of you - contribute your electoral goodwill. That's right, all Bea needs to win $10,000 and her rightful place on the marketing material for Whiskas' Oh So Gelatinous! is the help of four ordinary, decent voters, four voters prepared to cast a hundred votes from a hundred IP addresses every day for ten consecutive days. If that sounds like your cup of lactose-reduced, go hence. One of the world's two loveliest kittens thanks you, or would, had she actually agreed to the latest installment in my regime of catsploitation.

In other catly news, Ben Pobjie - of the soon-to-be tragically moldering New Matilda - penned the following pome in exchange for fifty (50) dollars ($), that is, AU$50, a mere half of a hundred dollars, which actually pretty negligible sum (buys a lot of lentils, sure, but not many movie tickets), is going towards his campaign to get himself a berth at the 2011 Melbourne Comedy Festival, which I understand takes a great many lentils indeed. Here is his poem. I'm not sure about the closing couplet (Bea & Harry are both committed egalitarians), but I think the bit about the korma rivals P. B. Shelley at his least vegetarian.

Take it away, Pobjie:

Two sisters
Both alike in dignity
Except for one, who is small and weedy
But the big one is definitely alike in dignity
If you get my drift

Two sisters
Both alike in fur
Fur of different colours, but similar consistency
Like a plate of butter chicken, sitting next to a plate of goat korma
Different to look at, but similar to rub on your face
Also different to taste

Two sisters
Different to taste
Do not try to eat them
You will
Regret it
They will scratch your throat out

They have done it before
One time Harriet was at the vet
And the vet performed certain actions
And lo, it was proved, the truth of that ancient aphorism writ large on the papyrus of history:
One man’s routine medical procedure is another man’s unprovoked sexual battery
Especially, as Diogenes said, if one man is a female cat
Which was probably more common in ancient Greece than it is now
And so Harriet took back the night

Because cats are all about rebellion
It was cats who built civilisation
When in Egypt of old they raised the pyramids and manipulated the pharaohs
When monuments and ornaments were built for their glory
And they basked every day in fish and milk
When even the very reeds of the Nile trembled at their approach
And did their bidding
Not that having reeds do your bidding is of that much use
Reeds have poor musculature
And no limbs
So the range of tasks they are suited for is minimal

But other did their bidding also
The cats were rulers
And still they rule

Two sisters
Ruling
Harriet, bestriding the world like titans of old, facing dogs, rats, and hoses alike
With calm equanimity
And regal grace
Beatrice, tiptoeing modestly through the corridors of life, self-effacing
And yet proud as legend’s faerie queens
Even when biting your arm

Two sisters
They flatter us with their existence
And they bless us with their favour
Which is to be found in the litter tray

Thank you, Sisters
We, your slaves, await your order.

13 comments:

TimT said...

Harriet's water experiments are great. I have just set another glass of water down on the ground to see if she will hop down to see what happens if she knocks it over.

PS Vote 1 Bea!

TimT said...

Oh bugger, she's just rolled over onto her stomach. Now science won't just experiment on *itself*, will it Harriet?

Tony.T said...

I have always wondered how you pronounce Bysshe, so I looked it up.

I wish it was By-she.

Or Buy-Sheee.

Kerryn Goldsworthy said...

I have already voted for Beatrice. Days ago.

Bysshe rhymes with fish, does it not? If not, don't disillusion me.

WV: laggilit. Clearly the doorbitch is no fan of Shelley's.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Yes, I've been saying Percy Bish Shelley in public for a couple of years now, so hoping I'm right. Those English names of inscrutable pronunciation - Beauchamp (Beech'm), St. John (Sinjun), etc - the most brutal tools of cultural initiation you could devise, since the sheer slog of reading won't get you access to these special truths - you have to have been in the presence of them's that already know.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Thanks, K, for being on top of the Beatrice issue. She's up to 50 votes: just 43367 to go.

Anonymous Bosch said...

I'll vote again, if you'll just say "Cholmondley" into this microphone.

Mitzi G Burger said...

Voted! Good luck Bea and entourage.

Anonymous said...

I like Fungy (sp Fotheringham) as a name. reminds me of jumping off bridges. I've voted for Bea, too.

Ampersand Duck said...

Orsum pome. Love it. Adore it.
I keep voting. I will keep voting.

WV= canite, which is either apposite or opposite. Can't decide.

Marshall-Stacks said...

However he came across Ann O'Dyne, will forever remain a mystery, but, an excellent blogger who documents Unintended Use has spotted
Beatrice in Drawer-As-Catbed and asked to use it.

His blog highlight is a litterbin in Amsterdam where birds have nested and the council has a sign asking people NOT to put litter in it. Maybe they are so sweet cos they stoned off their little Dutch faces?
It sure wouldn't happen in Melbourne.
2.
Have YOU voted today for Beatrice?

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Marshall - would you please tell your Unintended Use friend, that Beatrice consents? Thanks x

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