Friday, 7 May 2010


Now this, ladeez and gennilmen, is what I call a Home Theatre System.

I use it to watch The Big Bang Theory and The Mentalist on Monday night, Monday night being telly night. I watch The Mentalist even though The Mentalist's plot goes like this: camera pans across decolletage of conventionally gorgeous young woman found mangled in clearly felonious circumstances; camera cuts to decolletage of conventionally-gorgeous-young-woman of a crime scene investigator who advances a theory as to nature and perpetrator of felony; Patrick Jane, aka the Mentalist, a sort of blond Byron-on-a-stick waltzes in and advances alternative theory; alternative theory proves to be correct. This, you would think, is hardly edifying fodder for a Baron about Town such as myself. Indeed, I would say in reply, but where were you when I needed three litres of intravenous chocolate after my four consecutive hours of Monday afternoon teaching?

It has come to my attention that my home theatre system may shortly cease to work on accounta not having an enigmatic piece of hardware known as a Set Top Box. I'm guessing that if I had the inclination I could procure myself a Set Top Box, but I'm not convinced it would go with my decor. I.e., do set top boxes come in spraypaint gold? If not, shame on them.

Recent sightings of other people's home theatre systems in various stages of al fresco decay (scroll down...)

Home Theatre Systems in various stages of al fresco decay, photographed on my route to work

lead me to believe that the horrors of set top box purchase and possibly the sexual politics of channel 9 programming have caused the entire Australian population to chuck their tellies out onto the nature strip and take up more wholesome Monday night pursuits, like intravenous chocolate.

Here is my question to you, gentle reader, if you still exist: what do you do plan to do on Monday nights after your Home Theatre System ceases to function? And can I come too?


lucy tartan said...

That is a fine, fancy television. As for Mondays, you can come rock and roll dancing with me in a Serbian orthodox church in Greensborough. There's almost as much cleavage on display although it's not all of the boobal variety.

JahTeh said...

I have one old teev hooked up to the VCR and one younger hooked up to the DVD and since they both work well I'm not giving in to blackmail until they cut my signal off. They are doing this by putting all my favourite shows on their "two" stations.

As for The Mentalist, drool and more drool if I watch it eating chocolate.

Anonymous Bosch said...

As one who has spent all Saturday night desperately marking second-year assignments to hand back next week, I can confidently say that should my televisual apparatus malfunction, I will be freed from the tyranny of Four Corners and - especially - Media Watch and will spend my Monday nights doing the marking, thereby getting my Saturday evenings back.

(Mind you, Media Watch has never been the same since the Blessed Saint Stuart (Littlemore) handed over the reins - but I am so eminently distractable that hardly matters).

Turning to the conundrum of your Set Top Box: surely one can be redecorated to match your decor? If you had grown up (as I did) in the UK, watching Valerie Singleton on Blue Peter, you would know how to do this using a cut-up Fairy Liquid Bottle, some squares of coloured paper and an egg carton.

Dorian said...

I was just going to say what Laura already said.

Mitzi G Burger said...

I agree with AB about Stewie Littlemore.

My home theatre system consists of this laptop and free DVDs from the library and free downloaded shows from my peers and the ABC. On Monday nights (oui, c'est ca) I am recovering from boxing class with a half kilo of chilli beans and considering Sopranos, season 4 episode 9.

Zoe said...

On Monday I watched Masterchef and whinged on the twitters, and then got into bed and watched old Gordon Ramsay documentaries on YouTube.

Not that I expect anyone else to think that's a good idea ;)

Shelley said...

My set top box went *pop* and everything went blank this morning. Fortunately the neighbours have been fighting entertainingly this evening. Am presently waiting to chat to my tech guy about a replacement and ohmygodscouldyoufixitformecauseelectricalthingsexplodingreallyfreakmeout.

Adrian said...

Hmm. I know a few people who live without TV sets in their homes. Maybe they're the ones who set up those lovely alfresco displays captured in your photos?

These people INSIST they're making a principled decision to live without the stultifying influences of reality TV, late-night infomercials and Bert Newton's mysteriously growing hairpiece. But it turns out that they compensate for their TV privations by downloading their favourite programmes off the net...several weeks before these episodes would even air on Oz TV.

I think we should follow the fine example of those alfresco TV sets and get outdoors more often. Does us all good!

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Outdoors, you say? That's a novel thought. Between 1993 and 2006, I spent every Monday night at bagpipe rehearsals, and when I left my pipe band for the Deep South, I joined a Monday night choir, which disbanded shortly afterwards (I can't help feeling responsible). Have been ever since enjoying my enforced Monday night stultification courtesy channel 9, but this set-top-box situation stands to reverse all that. I mean, the idea of actually paying for a tv-related widget, when I should be marking Anonymous Bosch's essays anyway, suggests that I am in some way intending to waste my Monday nights, shamelessly, deliberately, not lured inadvertently to lie in an inert slump for two hours.

TimT said...

Terrific tellies, one and all, but what they really need to spruce them up is a fly-agaric growing out of their screen.

Except for that gold one. It's the pride of the house, I tell you.