Tuesday, 8 December 2009

The Ambassador for Preston, reporting for duty

Last you heard from your feckless narrator, she was inspecting formaldehyded fœtuses east of Weimar. You could be forgiven - considering the silence round these parts - for assuming that she had since perished from a surfeit of sauerkraut and extrawurst, but in fact I've been moseying my way back to the internet, via a series of airports, northern hemispeherean cities, an overdue essay, and the two weeks' effluvium that spewed from my pigeonhole at Good Old Work.

Speaking of northern hemispeherean cities, my sister & co. took me on a speed tour of Tokyo, the main effect of which tour (besides how hugely nice it was to see my sister & co.) was to make me ashamed of Australian dunnies. Seriously, Japan's got it all over Australia in the plumbing department.

Above, for instance, is a Japanese toilet console, which plays prerecorded gurgling noises, sprays your nethers with gently warmed toilet nectars, and adjusts seat temperature to taste. Where I come from, you're lucky if you have a hole in the ground and a sheet of newsprint. What, a hole? When I were a lad, had t'defecate into thin air, I did.

Speaking of such savoury matters, here is a giant Japanese poo:

Or possibly a sweet potato. I couldn't tell, but sister & co. were pretty certain it's a giant poo.

And what would be the point of all this attention to gross domestic product, were there not also things to eat?

Delicacies, like SPAM, with sticky rice and seaweed.

Or manic blue-eyed self-saucing hotdawgs.

Or this actually quite potable green-tea-ccino.

As my father's fond of saying whenever the opportunity arises, "I see travel's broadened you."


TimT said...

I kinda want to eat a manic blue-eyed self-saucing hotdawg now, too. Now that's a successful publicity campaign!

TimT said...

Japan Haiku:

Tokyo hot dog,
Self-saucing, stares manically.
Autumn leaves drift down.

Giant steel turd
Sits atop the tower, sadly.
Autumn leaves drift down.

Seaweed spam sushi
Brings gladness. A delicate
Dish from overseas.

On shores of Preston,
While autumn leaves fall sadly,
Kitten hair drifts east.

kiki said...

the poo is the asahi brewery is it not?
cause the building next to it is both shaped like a beer glass (complete with head) and the headquarters?

did you also try moving around on the toilet whilst being sprayed?

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Yep, that's right, Kiki. Brewery. Still doesn't explain the giant poo.

I was fairly cautious about the loo, but I did - with some trepidation - experiment with each of the buttons. When in Tokyo, do as the Tokyoans.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Tim, I am deeply moved. Lyricism.

TimT said...

Oh all right, one more:

Japanese toilets:
Enematic enigmas!
Don't push the wrong switch...

I almost had 'autumn leaves drift down' as the concluding line for that one, too. For some reason I think that Japanese haiku end that way. Weird.