Sunday, 9 September 2007

The Erotics of Telescope Assembly

The unexpurgated and compleat printed text of Section AZ3 from "Refractor/Reflector Telescopes With Altitude/Azimuth Mount Instruction Manual" read one giddy morning in Spring, for adults only.

Adjusting Tripod Legs
1. Slowly loosen the height adjustment clamp and gently pull out the lower section of each tripod leg.
2. Spread the legs apart to stand the tripod upright.
3. Adjust the height of each tripod leg until the tripod head is properly leveled. Note that the tripod legs may not be at same length when the equatorial mount is level.

Attaching the Accessory Tray
1. Place the accessory tray on top of the bracket, and secure with the locking knob underneath.

Attaching the Tube Rings to Mount
1. Remove the tube rings from telescope by releasing their thumb nuts and opening their hinges.
2. Fasten the tube rings to the mount using the wench [sic] provided.

Attaching the telescope Main Tube to Tube Rings
1. Find the center of balance of the telescope tube. Place this in between the two tube rings. Close the hinges around the telescope and fasten securely by tightening the thumb nuts. Do not overtighten the thumb nuts.

Installing Control Cables
1. Slide the sleeve end of the cable over the nipple on the end of the worm gear. Secure the cable by tightening the set screw against the flat surface of the nipple.

Attaching the Finderscope
1. Locate the finderscope bracket and carefully remove the rubber-o-ring from it. Position the o-ring into groove on the finderscope tube.
2. Slide finderscope assembly into the rectancular [sic] slot and tighten the thumbscrew to hold the bracket in place.

Eyepiece Assembly
1. Loosen the thumbscrew on the end of the focus tube.
2. Insert a diagonal into the focus tube and re-tighten the thumbscrew to hold the diagonal in place.
3. Loosen the thumbscrews on the diagonal.
4. Insert the desired eyepiece into the diagonal and secure by re-tightening the thumbscrews.

I let these lines speak for themselves, except to add that I've always had my doubts about the astronomical fraternity. They didn't excommunicate Galileo for nothing.

10 comments:

Martin Kingsley said...

That poor wench, bravely attempting to put a bit of sexy back into the fastening of tube-rings.

TimT said...

Do smitten young astrophysicists and cometologists spend their time gazing deeply and longingly into one another's telescopes? When they get married, do they end up raising a family of astrologists and cosmeticists?

The Mysteries of the Universe!

alexis said...

And after all that, the most exciting thing I could see was a crow four kilometres away.

Martin Kingsley said...

Ah, but was it a sexy crow?

alexis said...

Look, what can I say? It had a very nice personality.

JahTeh said...

That last instruction sounded like it was straight from the Inquisition handbook.

alexis said...

Ximinez: Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - *two* last chances. And you shall be free - *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

Alextricity said...

...you have WAY too much time on your hands Alex!

alexis said...

No, really, I don't! I had to assemble the telescope very quickly.

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